Life | Birthday | Life Lessons
Change Your Perspective: Living Like You Were Dying
The Life Changing Mindset for Success and Happiness
This week is my birthday. It seemed only yesterday that I wrote an article with the title, “Life Begins at Forty.” I was in my late 30s then and could only hope that my forties would be as good as I had heard everyone said it would be. Turns out, it was better. Not easier, just better. Something that I found when I reached my 40s.
This year marks another milestone for me.
And to say that the lessons I’ve learned this year have truly crushed me would be an understatement. However, as with any crushing, whether it be fossils or fruits, great things happen. This year I realized that what crushed me gave me strength and led me to a path of self discovery.
You’re Not The Same Person
Remember how we said that we will never change when we were young? That we would always wear bootcut jeans or blue glitter eyeshadow and heat curl our hair? I remember.
Well guess what, everything we thought we wouldn’t change, we eventually changed as the years go by. But our change, isn’t limited to our physical attributes. Mentally, our characters change as well. At times due to the environment that we are in, or because there were people in our lives that we had to learn lessons from.
Change comes in many shapes but the most important thing to remember is that none of us stays the same from the beginning to the end of our lives.
If our body cells are constantly replicating and changing themselves, then why can’t our personalities?
There are those around us, whether professionally or personally that expect us to be the same person that we were 5, 10, or even 20 years ago. But the truth is, we can’t be the same person that we were because everyday we have new experiences that shapes us.
Change is a part of life. Constant change means that we are constantly growing and evolving. Growth is a part of life. We shouldn’t try to be the same person that we were for the sake of pleasing others or even ourselves.
My mother used to say, “You can’t carry around a picture of yourself from when you were in high school and expect to look like that forever.” As always, she was right. I am not the same girl in high school nor will I be the same person in five years time.
My daughter said that she likes me more these days, in her words, she said, “Mom, you are less emo these days.” It took me a long time to not take things personally.
If someone no longer wants to be a part of my life, I no longer spend hours thinking what was it that I did wrong or how I could have fixed it or make it better. Now, I simply accept it.
I’ve come to terms with myself, knowing the fact that I am enough. If people don’t think that I am enough or do not want to be in my sphere, then it is their choice. I can’t change nor control how others view me or the choices they make but I can control how I react to their actions.
In my 40s, I’ve come to realize that reading a fantasy book on a Sunday afternoon while sipping a cup of tea is a better use of my time than thinking about why a person said what they said or why they are no longer in my life.
Make an Impact
Another funny thing that happens as we reach our 40s is we start to realize how time has no meaning.
I still remember graduating university, my first job or even my days in kindergarden. And somehow, everything seems to move as fast as lightning flashes before our eyes.
There are times when my thoughts drift to those who have walked the path of life before me. Some people are able to create big impact such as Alexander Graham Bell discovering the telephone, while some are able to create an impact only to the person that they are close to such as a mother making an impact on a child’s life.
No matter what role the universe has created for us to play, I realize that we all need to make an impact and leave our legacy as best as we can. For me, I started to create a life journal which I will pass down to my children and hopefully will be a part of their family library.
My mother and my grandmother were exceptional women. My grandmother lived through the Dutch and Japanese colonization of our country while my mother lived through the independence and the birth of a new nation.
Yet, all the stories that they have shared were passed down to me verbally. When I’m gone, I’m not sure if my children will retell the stories as I have.
These stories shaped me to be the person I am today and not take for granted the freedom I have every day and the luxury I have in speaking a language that is uniquely our own.
I know they were just stories but they were a part of the lives of the most important women in my life. My mother was able to graduate with a secretarial diploma.
In the early 70s, that’s what most women aspired to be. Unless they were foreign graduates. She instilled in me at a young age that she wished for me to have a Bachelor’s degree.
She told me that her biggest regret in life was never having a Bachelor’s degree and that limited the opportunities she had to advance in her career subsequently she had to depend on my father instead of forging her own path in life.
Years later, after her passing, it took me eight years to get my Bachelor’s degree, while holding down a full time job. It wasn’t easy but I wanted to make sure that I didn’t let her down and that her dream of seeing her only daughter getting a Bachelor’s degree was fulfilled.
I believe as long as we do our best in this world, in whatever capacity that we can, we will always create an impact in someone’s life, even if we don’t see it.
And that makes all the difference in time passing us by and time being on our side.
Set Boundaries
A few months ago, a good friend of mine developed a close friendship with someone she had recently met in her grief counseling group.
He was a widower who had lost his wife and son. His circumstances were similar to my friend who was a divorcee and had lost her mother and her partner of 20 years.
They became fast friends and soon they were talking outside of the grief counseling and into hours of long conversations and email exchanges.
However, a few weeks back, she informed me that in his last email, he had called her a “mad dog”. My friend, who regularly goes to church and studies scripture every morning, was not accustomed to being called animal names at the drop of the bucket. She took her time to reply to him and confront him about what he said.
To her surprise, he denied ever calling her a “mad dog,” even though the words were clearly written in the email. He stated that he did not remember such an exchange and was confused about what she was referring to.
I suggested that she re-send his last email for clarity. However, she told me she didn’t see the point in responding to a gaslighter. This was not their first disagreement, and she had grown weary of his constant judgment and his perspective as a person with white privilege regarding her life as a single woman of color.
She took the high road and told me that perhaps their friendship was not meant to be. She explained that there comes a time in a person’s life when fighting for something isn’t worth it. Sometimes, walking away is better than standing your ground. For her, this was one of those moments.
What my friend experienced reminded me that, as women, we often feel compelled to be understanding, compassionate, and caring. We tend to give everyone love and second chances, even when they may not deserve it.
She emphasized that as we age and mature, it’s essential to set boundaries. Life is too precious, and our time on this earth is too short to tolerate people who disrespect us and bring drama into our lives.
In our 40s, we finally feel brave and comfortable enough in our own skin to establish boundaries that we were too afraid to set in our 20s and 30s.
Boundaries are essential not only for our mental and physical health but also for the well-being of our families. It’s important to remember that whatever we face in the world, we bring home to our loved ones at the end of the day.
The world is free to throw whatever it pleases our way, but we do not have to accept or tolerate it. It’s okay to walk away from situations that aren’t serving us; in fact, in some cases, it’s necessary.
Live With Love
Throughout my life, I have been fortunate to be surrounded by accomplished individuals who have achieved success in their respective fields.
Some attained their success through hard work, others through sheer luck, and some were born into privilege.
Despite the different paths they took to reach their status, there is one commonality among them: none of these individuals come from a place of love.
Sure they love their families and the occasional pet, but when it comes down to it, with their friends and colleagues, the majority of people I’ve met and spent time with are often very selfish individuals who are un-empathetic.
Part of maturity is asking tough questions such as what are we doing here? What is our purpose and how long do we have? These questions are sadly what successful people rarely ask, ironically due to their success and what they took to get there.
The phrase “Pay it forward” and “Giving back” seems to be bumper stickers for successful people, something that they often say without actually doing. I wonder if they realize that none of us can escape time.
Time catches up with all of us. Everyone’s hair turns gray, our skin turns sallow and our hands start to wrinkle. It’s the same all over the world no matter how much money we have, whether we went to an Ivy League school or if we are the CEO of a trillion-dollar company. We all meet our maker at the end.
I often look back and think of all the things I’ve seen, proud strong men crying and cowering in their hospital beds, writhing from pain or whatever it is they see when they drift in and out of consciousness.
I’ve seen proud women who used to stand tall on four-inch heels with perfectly coiffed hair, now shriveled up in their sunset years like shrimps, wearing sweaters and scarves in the middle of summer, not even close to being the women they once were.
That made me wonder: what was it all for at the end of the day?
What were these men and women doing at the prime of their lives when they had the chance to create an impact and make a difference? Instead, they seem to be living their version of “living life to the fullest”, laughing while drinking a glass of wine and dancing carefree under the stars.
Yet, at the end of the day, I see them alone, not even accompanied by their children, let alone anyone they have helped in life. What a sad existence this must be, to be alone and forgotten as we wither away.
I then realized that this is not how I want my story to end.
I don’t want to follow in their footsteps, walking upon this earth with my chest puffed out, my head held high, without a care in the world, calling people names, thinking I own the world. As if death himself bowed before me, my wealth and my title. This is no way to tread upon the earth for the little time that we have.
Princess Diana once said, “I think the biggest disease the world suffers from in this day and age is the disease of people feeling unloved. I know that I can give love for a minute, for half an hour, for a day, for a month, but I can give. I am very happy to do that, I want to do that.” As I grow older, I’m beginning to understand and see where she’s coming from and how right she was.
I am now determined to change and be more loving and caring.
People often think that love and kindness are two very different things. I beg to differ. If a person has no love in their heart, how can they be kind? There are many ways we can do acts of kindness. We don’t have to donate billions of dollars to charity like Melinda French Gates, if our act of kindness for the day consists of a smile to a stranger at the grocery store, so be it.
An honest smile is hard to come by these days. I make a conscious effort to try to smile more, especially to strangers because everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about. A smile isn’t hard, but it can change someone’s day.
I am making a conscious effort to speak more kindly to others. Kind words do not come naturally to me, as I tend to focus on logic and facts. However, after witnessing my friend’s experience of being called degrading names by another friend, I began to reflect. Why couldn’t her friend have chosen to be kinder and used softer, more considerate words?
We are all just trying to pass through this place called earth in the short time that we have, why do we have to bite and fight each other like vipers in a pit?
Whenever I think about this, I am reminded that kindness is free and that love is what truly makes the world go round. If we have kindness and love to share, as Princess Diana once said, then why not use them to make the world a better place?
I would be remiss if I said I didn’t have bold ambitions throughout my life. Whether it was wanting to be the head of a department, being at the top of my class, or looking like a Victoria’s Secret model, we all have something we aspire to achieve that we believe will bring us happiness once we attain it.
What no one tells us is that after we’ve achieved our dreams and desires, there is always something more to pursue. It is never enough; the world is never enough.
Additionally, many don’t realize that having more isn’t always better; sometimes it’s just more, and achieving everything we set out to obtain doesn’t necessarily make us feel better about ourselves.
We often spend our days chasing things we think we should have or be, rather than living fully in each moment.
Fortunately, I recognized this in my 40s, and now I strive to live each day as if it were my last.
If you feel like having an extra piece of cake for dessert, go for it. If you are tired of people treating you like a doormat and reaching out to you only when they need you, then by all means feel free to use that block button and block them.
Life doesn’t get easier, but we can improve how we allow others access to our energy, time, and joy.
I’ve realized that instead of chasing unattainable dreams and living each day in the shadow of our own creation — whether it’s body goals, relationship goals, or career goals — we should take a moment to just live.
And breathe.
Today, I came home, enjoyed my chocolate and Oreo birthday cake, and spent quality time with my family before continuing to read a book I’m in the middle of.
It was the perfect day for me.
I now make the most of my days, knowing that what I do today will contribute to my best tomorrow. Armed with this knowledge, I can sleep soundly at night, without a care in the world.
And that is enough for me.
